Don't let me drown
by OmoshiroiKea
Summary: AU where Sanji has issues and Zoro just wants him to pass them through. Warnings: self harm, anorexia, maybe smut, who knows
1. Chapter 1

This is my first ZoSan fanfic, I mean, of my own, and also the first one in English, so let's see how this goes… Let's do it.

White. White everywhere. White and nothing else. Is he finally dead? Good. It feels kind of satisfying but something seems to be off. Ah, so that's it, fear. He doesn't want to die. Then why had he tried? He doesn't know anymore. Sudden panic hits him, a tight knot in his throat. He's not dead. His body relaxes. Great, now he can feel his body too. He hears a voice:

"Can you hear me?" it's a woman's voice. "I'm Doctor Nico Robin. I repeat, can you hear me? Please try to make a sign so I can know" she says. He tries to focus on her, but he sees nothing. White seems to be fading away now and black corers appear.

"You're ok, we're sedating you, it's going to be fine" says her voice. Sedated? No, no drugs into his body. He wants to fight it off, but he's just so tired. He doesn't care anymore. He wants to sleep and wake up in a comfortable bed on the other side of the world, ignorant of everything he knows now. And most of all, be normal.

Black wins against white and soon he is fast asleep, with a dreamless night.

Morning light hits him like a punch. Or maybe it's afternoon light. Or he may still haven't slept at all and this is an artificial light. He doesn't want to open his eyes but he knows he has to, because this bed he's lying on is way too comfortable to be his own. For a moment he wonders if his wishes of waking up like another person has become true. That is the only thing that motivates him to open his eyes. What he sees is nothing he would have liked.

White walls. White furniture. White covers. White floor and white everything. This is a hospital, he thinks, but then he discounts the idea because who would care so much about him to put him in a hospital? Had he been kidnapped? Well, he stops caring when the door opens.

"Morning, I hope you had a good rest" says that familiar female voice. "My name is Robin and I will be your doctor". He looks at her, who has approached enough for him to see her face. His eyes seem able to focus now.

"Why am I here?" he questions, though he's not even sure about what he said due to the weakness in his voice, which has sounded strangled.

"Oh, someone found you and brought you here. I'm glad because you might have died if died if you had been left alone back there" she says.

"Wait, what? Someone found me? Who was it? And where was I?" he asks in confusion.

"You should wait, I think he'll come visit, that's what he said, after all" she concludes.

"Ok" he says after a few moments. "Can you please tell me in which hospital I am" he asks her with a worried tone.

"Oh, this is the Baratie Clinic for Teenage Depression, well, and other psychic diseases" she answers shortly before leaving the room. After a few minutes someone knocks the door.

"May I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Yeah, I suppose" he answers. Immediately, a tall muscled, broad guy enters the room. He must be his age more or less. Anyways, what stands out is his moss green hair.

"Um… hi, I should introduce myself… I'm, Zoro, uh… the guy who found you" he says finally.

"Sanji. Thanks for that, I suppose" Sanji says. Is he repeating himself today? Zoro lifts an eyebrow.

"You suppose? What? You wanted to die? I get the anorexia thing, but really wanting to die? I didn't know you were this screwed" he comments. Sanji watches him with irritated eyes.

"You 'get' the anorexia thing? What are you talking about? You don't know shit" he spits, almost screaming and kind of amazed. He thought he was too weak for getting mad, but he was wrong, apparently. Zoro looks stunned.

"Ok, ok… That was a little harsh, perhaps. Sorry, I just can't stand suicidals".

"Well then it'll make you happy to know that it was stupid and absolutely terrifying, so I won't do anything like that again, ever" Sanji says, and shivers from recalling the feeling of emptiness. He is still mad, though.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever" Zoro sighs. "You're welcome, by the way. Hey, hey, you ok?" he asks.

"I'm… I'm just kinda dizzy, it's, it's ok, there's no need for you to get so close" Sanji says with a weaker voice.

Zoro just realizes he has got up and come moved to the bed Sanji is lying on. He slowly goes back, sits down again and looks warily at the guy in front of him.

He is blond, but his hair has lost most of its shine and looks palely yellowish, but he guesses it had been beautifully bright somewhere in the past. Sanji's skin is pale, he must be naturally pale, but now it's just some kind of anemic white than makes him look frailer than he is. He probably is weak now, though. All of these aspects really call Zoro's attention, but there's something else. Something that doesn't only stand out, but literally screams. His eyes. Well, his eye, actually. Oh, Zoro's sure they're blue, ocean deep blue, but they look just so watery yet so dry. It almost hurts him.

"Are you ok there?" Sanji asks. He must have looked dozed out or something.

"Yeah, um… I'm gonna go now" Zoro says and makes his way out of the room quickly.

Sanji closes his eyes and leans back immediately after hearing the door close. He has to calm the fuck down. Damn, his heart is beating so fast it hurts and he's thankful his breath hasn't speed up like crazy. He hates feeling like this and he wants by all means to avoid it, he usually does, but this guy is just too much. He only wishes Zoro doesn't come visit him again because that'll be _way_ too much. Unfortunately, wishes don't seem to come true.

"Hey there Sanji, you've got a visit again from Roronoa" says Doctor Robin entering the room with a cheerful voice and a notebook she hands him. Roronoa? He must be Zoro. Sanji looks at the notebook. It has a black cover and silver letters. 'Blackleg' he reads. Oh, yeah, this is his. Now he remembers; it's a diary. Yeah, he went out that night because he was going to get rid of it. And he had passed out on the street, great. Shit he was helpless. Still that moment of his life was a blur. His thoughts get interrupted by a voice.

"Hi. It's me again" Zoro says while entering the room.

"Yeah, I know, you stand out" Sanji chuckles.

"I just wanted to check on you" Zoro responds.

"Wow, you really have a hero complex don't you?" Sanji laughs. Zoro looks at him with a puzzled expression. Sanji feels a little hole inside of him grow a bit bigger for a moment.

"Yeah, you're definitively fine" he laughs. "I've got things to do, so I better get going".

"Ok, see you, I guess" Sanji says a bit perplex as Zoro gets out. The hole inside of him is no longer growing. Zoro laughed. He has such a beautiful smile. He laughed because of him, not at him. Sanji shakes his head to try to get rid of the thought but he can't. Fuck, he was screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

Sanji has spent six days now in the hospital, and he's starting to grow anxious, well, even more anxious. When are they going to let him get out of there? He wants to be discharged and get away from there as soon as possible. He has serious trouble dealing with kind people. Experience has taught him that anyone will betray you, no matter what, nice people don't exist, we're all made of greed and deep in our souls, we all aim to hurt. Life has taught him the rough way.

"Hello!" screams someone while jumping to his face. Sanji tries to make the guy who is laughing get off of him, but it's all in vain.

"Luffy, get off!" Zoro orders from the doorframe.

"Come on Zoro, this is how I welcome everyone new here and you know it" Luffy says with a grin, and tries to hug Sanji again, but Zoro stops him by grabbing him from the back of his shirt. "Zoro! You're no fun" he says with a pout.

"I don't care if I'm no fun, Sanji needs to rest, so calm the fuck down" he says, but Luffy keeps making lots of noise. "Hey, if you keep going you're gonna bother Nami" Zoro finishes flatly, and Luffy suddenly stops.

"Sorry Sanji, I'll be going now".

Sanji stares, just how he's been doing all along. When Luffy is gone, Zoro speaks again.

"Excuse him, he's just… way too exaggerated" he concludes with a short laugh.

"It's ok, just a bit of a shock to have a guy randomly jumping to your face shouting" Sanji adds.

"Yeah, well, that's Luffy, he's always, ALWAYS, like that. You'll get used to it, eventually" Zoro says. Sanji's expression changes abruptly. Get used to it? He just wants to get away, not get used to some hug-lover guy. Fuck, he really is screwed.

"You okay?" Zoro asks. Shit, what face was he making? He better answer, because Zoro looks as worried as ever. He hates it.

"Yeah, why'd you ask?" Sanji answers, hoping that Zoro would just let it slide. He's wrong, again.

"Bullshit" he says, and sits down next to him. "Sanji, tell me, what's wrong?"

The blond's face feels hot and his eyes get wet. No, don't do this, don't you dare, he thinks to himself, but he can't help it. He somehow feels some trust to Zoro he knows he shouldn't feel, and despite how hard he tries to stay put, he ends up telling him. Also, Zoro doesn't look as if he's going to leave him like that.

"I want to leave" Sanji manages to say with a whisper. He wants to keep going, but he knows himself, and he definitively doesn't want to cry in front of Zoro, or anyone. Zoro moves his hand to Sanji's face, and makes eye contact.

"Why?" he asks softly. Sanji can't bear it anymore, and he breaks down.

"I can't be here, I… I have no money to pay, or family, or-" he starts sobbing and words don't go out anymore.

"Shhh, it's ok, it's ok" Zoro says, pulling him closer and into a comforting hug. "Let it out" he murmurs while rubbing Sanji's back carefully. They stay like that for a little while, Sanji crying and Zoro just reassuring him that it's fine to cry, that he's there for him, to help him, keep him safe… And with those words, Sanji falls asleep, completely exhausted from the amount of feelings expressed.

Zoro sighs and, even though he wants to stay there –he really wants to stay there- he knows he ought to leave. He gets up and delicately lays him down in the bed and covers him. Zoro looks at Sanji for a second and gets closer, just to wipe out a forgotten tear from his left cheek. He then exits the room quietly, closing the door behind him, and walks up the corridor looking for someone.

He gets to the place he wants without even realizing it and stares at the door for a second before opening it. A familiar view comes to his eyes and he doesn't know how to feel, welcome by his old bedroom or rather uncomfortable by all the things which happened there.

"Hello to you too" he chuckles. He wanders around the room and becomes surprised due to the lack of dust. They seem to have taken care of it. He needs a nap, but a nurse interrupts him from letting himself fall on the bed.

"Robin wants to talk to you. You better hurry" she says, and off he goes. He gets to there in less than a couple minutes.

Zoro enters the room with steady feet. He'll never forget the first time he walked into that room. The doorframe has been changed recently, he notices, but everything else is exactly the same as it was.

"I was waiting for you, dear" a feminine voice says.

"I'm always up to chatting with you" he says and she smiles getting up from his chair and gets a couple mugs.

"Do you want some coffee, Zoro?" she asks while serving herself some of the hot dark liquid.

"Nah, you already know I'm not a fan of it" he answers. "Anyway, why did you call me? You always o so when I'm about to sleep" he complains. Robin places her free hand on the table, stares at the ceiling and sits back down before answering.

"Sanji, what do you think about him?" she says flatly. Zoro looks rather confused.

"Why the hell do you ask **me**?" he snarls.

"Well, I've known you for some time and you are the most honest person I've ever met, that's why. Now answer" she smiles.

Ah, fuck. What's he going to say now?


	3. Chapter 3

What is he supposed to say know? Fuck Robin, he has to say something.

"I don't know, he's kinda nice, I guess, but I think he's one of those spoiled brats that aren't thankful of what they have and think not being popular is enough to kill themselves" he says, pronouncing darkly those two last words. Robin looks at him and he begins to feel uneasy. Her blue eyes have always made him feel uncomfortable when studying him like that, as if he was some scheme she tries to dissect mentally. "Ok, I'm leaving now, you're creeping me out" Zoro scratches his head and gets out of the room and back to his own.

He really wants to sleep.

When he reaches his bed, he falls asleep instantly. He doesn't usually dream, but his damn mind wants him to remember about how he found Sanji. Maybe he isn't such a spoiled brat. Anyhow, it's not as if he cares, right?

Fuck it, of course he cares. He really likes the guy, and that scares the living crap out of him.

He gets up and yawns loudly. Stretching himself, he checks the time on this wall clock. Shit it's late, but he doesn't feel like having dinner. Zoro looks around and decides to walk a little. He's never been one to be good with orientation, but has grown no to get lost in the clinic, it's his home after all, so he never feels the doors move when wandering around the corridors and usually knows who's in each room. When he realizes where he's heading to it's already too late.

Zoro leans forward to the doorframe and stares into the sleeping body on the white bed before him.

He would have never thought he'd be one of a cheesy guy. He had never once had any interest in girls, he's been attracted to men since he remembers, but had never caught feelings for anyone, so everything he's feeling is uncomfortably new for him, and he's never really liked new stuff.

And still there he is, standing in front of the blond, pale, blue eyed guy. Damn, he's screwed.

"Why do you have to look so beautiful? Damn you" Zoro growls. "You're fucking me up, dude" he says getting up and leaving the room, feeling somehow content very deep inside him, knowing Sanji hasn't heard a thing during his sleep.

Or so he thinks.


	4. Chapter 4

In a white bed a blond skinny guy starts crying silently due to having ruined his savior's life. "I'm sorry" he murmurs between sobs. "I'm so, so sorry Zoro". How had it ended up like this? Why does all the soap opera stuff happen to him? He hates himself, he hates being the cause of hurting Zoro. Why did that mossy dumbass fall for him? What the hell does he see in Sanji? Nothing probably, just a reverse hero complex or whatever. He feels relieve just thinking about how nobody will ever see something in him. It's fucked up, he knows, but he has made himself believe that so he won't ever feel upset because of not being loved in the future. He's always liked to prevent that kind of stuff from happening. Without even noticing he drifts to sleep again.

Sunlight hits him when he rolls onto his side and makes him wake up slowly, closing his eyes a couple times in the process. Anxiety strikes again like a lightning bolt and he becomes more and more nervous as seconds pass.

He has to talk to Zoro. The thing is, he doesn't **want** to,but he **must**. Sanji only hopes that the green-haired man doesn't visit him anytime soon so he can prepare himself to getting exposed. Shit.

He had managed to get a bit more physically stronger and in a couple days he was allowed to walk freely around the place, what he was grateful about. Seriously, boredom laid next to him in that room.

Sanji has finally got to know the hospital a bit better and whenever he gets lost he just keeps going until he finds himself somewhere he recognizes. Actually, getting lost is the best part of his tours. He concentrates so much on moving forward and trying to situate himself he just lets go of everything else for the moment.

He's in the middle of figuring out where the hell he is when sees the current center of his anxiousness. Zoro is closing the door of his room from the outside. He doesn't know what to do nor can he think, either. Sanji wants to get this over with, but is so scared. Since that time, whenever Zoro visited, he'd just pretend to be asleep, but now he couldn't, obviously. His knees feel weak and he's already shaking, his breath ragged, even though Zoro hasn't faced him yet. Sanji closes his eyes and wishes for Zoro to go the other way, but, of course, it doesn't work.

Zoro turns around and sees the blond. He looks like he's going to faint anytime soon, trembling and having trouble breathing. He doesn't need to be told twice and in a second he's right in front of him.

"Sanji, react. Are you ok?" he asks, but the blue eyed just keeps staring, incapable of calming down. "Hey, look at me" Zoro demands softly, but the other man doesn't obey. He looks as if he's not even there, and Zoro goes for a different strategy. He takes one of Sanji's hands and walks a little, and seeing the other follow, the green-haired continues until they get to his room. He's decided to do this because he knows there are visitors and Sanji doesn't need other people seeing him in the middle of a breakdown. Zoro closes the door and turns on one of the lights. He moves Sanji to the bed and they both sit on it. The blonde looks at him with such hurt in his eyes that he feels his chest tighten. Zoro doesn't let go of his hands before speaking.

"Sanji, talk to me, what's wrong?" he asks with a huge lot of concern in his voice. Sanji's trying so hard not to cry again, and Zoro notices. "Do you want me to leave for a second?" he suggests, but feels how Sanji tightly grips his hands. The blonde takes in a couple deep breaths and tries to talk.

"It's because of you, I… I wasn't asleep, I heard it and I'm just…" and he starts crying. Zoro stares at him. He now feels empty, Sanji is rejecting him. He should have known, and even if he was the first one he'd ever liked that much, it hurt anyways.

"I'm so sorry Zoro, it's all my fault" Sanji sobs. Well, that was unexpected.

"What?" Zoro is fucking confused. "What are you so sorry about? I'm… I don't get you".

"I made you doubt and I, I know how terrifying it is, not understanding your sexuality and I'm just sorry for making you go through all of this, and making you suffer and-" he gets cut mid-sentence.

"Sanji" Zoro looks at him and moves one of his hands to the other's face. "I apologize for making you worry but, I'm gay, and I've known for a pretty long time, actually" he softly laughs and tears begin pouring from Sanji's eyes again. Zoro gets a bit closer and hugs him slightly, caressing his hair and trying to soothe him down.

"I don't quite know why, but I'm so glad" Sanji laughs quietly making Zoro melt with the sound.

"Hey, I really, really like you, so please let me stay with you, ok? No more fake sleeping and stuff like that, please" Zoro almost begs. Sanji looks up at him, feeling both surprised and kind of guilty.

"Sorry, I just couldn't face you at the moment" he mumbles. Zoro smiles and hugs him again.

"It´s fine, I understand" he whispers.

They stay like that for a moment, enjoying each other's warmth and both knowing they're able to trust each other completely. Zoro has the feeling that he could do anything now, but still, he's aware of the time and place.

"Sanji, even though I'd love to stay here forever, we should get going. It's almost lunchtime and Robin usually patrols the dining room to make sure everyone eats. And also, I'm starving".

"Yeah, I'm kinda hungry too" Sanji yawns. Zoro stares at him startled.

"Are, are you eating again?" he asks hopefully.

"I've been doing so since I got here" Sanji answers flatly, as if he'd never been on the verge of death due to self-starvation. Zoro looks at him in awe, takes his face in his hands and kisses him on the forehead.

"I'm so proud".

"Me too" he laughs. "Let's get going".

They head to the dining room and chat all the way there. Not a very long way, but still, it's nice. Zoro tells him that the clinic is the only place where he doesn't get lost because it has been his home for a very long time, although he doesn't live there anymore. Sanji's rather quiet, but tells him about his dream of living near the ocean because he remembers only seeing it once when he was a kid and he loved it.

For the first time in a very long while, Sanji feels happy and is not sure he wants to leave just yet.


End file.
